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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Poke

This morning, as I sat here, watching my little baby sleep, I couldn’t help but be so overcome with love for the little guy.  As I have spent these past few days with just him, holding him, letting sleep in the bed next to me all night, having our own little dance parties (hey…we’ve been in an 8x8 room for weeks…Bogey is super entertained by dancing, and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep the little man happy! :), etc. I almost feel guilty for what I am going to put him through tomorrow.

At 6:15 a.m. we’ll be checking into the hospital for Bogey’s cleft lip repair. 
I realize that it isn’t heart surgery, but I feel like it might as well be.  I am just as nervous and anxious as I was 4 months ago on the eve of his unifocalization surgery. 

Mostly, it’s the pain that I don’t want him to feel.  He has been such a happy, laid back little baby these past couple of months since he’s been home.  I hate that he has to be uncomfortable again. 
Now, I am about to confess my deepest worries.  (Don’t think I’m totally crazy…I’m not.  I just know there is some psychological explanation somewhere that would prove I’m 100% normal…I just have to dig around a little deeper to find it…;)

When we were at Primary Children’s Hospital a couple of months ago, I walked into the room and saw Bogey trapped in a CPAP mask.  I can’t explain what happened to me—but I LOST it.  I could not bear it.  I thought my meltdowns at Packard during June were bad, but I never lost complete control.  But when I saw Bogey that day, I felt so sick, so weak.  I felt like my agency was gone, and I had no other option but to panic.  Honestly, I don’t know how to describe it, I just know  I couldn’t handle it. 

And that is what my nightmares consist of these days. 

I never want to feel that, or go through that again…but what if I do?  What if I walk into that room tomorrow and see him, and just loose it again??  I don’t know know what is going to happen to me when I see Bogey right after surgery—tethered to the beeping monitor. I don’t know what is going to happen when I hear that constant beeping again. I hate to think of my little baby confined or restrained in any way.  I just want him to be content and happy.

I know I have the choice to forget this whole thing and run…I have our vehicle here…I could load up, head out, and not go through with this, and spare myself the chance of loosing it.  However, I know how selfish that would be.  I know that Bogey’s quality of life will improve with these repairs, and deep down, I know he is going to be fine.  I know he is stronger, and much more healthy than the last time we took a trip to the Ford Surgery Center.

It’s like getting an epidural.  I can see the needle, I know where that shot is going, and I know it’s going to hurt for a minute, but then once I get through the initial poke, I’m fine, and everything starts feeling (or, not feeling, actually) controllable.  I can say with confidence, “Bring on the contractions!!” (I’ve never really said that in any of my pregnancies, but you get the point—no pun intended--.)  That’s how I am feeling about things tomorrow, I am dreading my initial reaction, but once I get over that brief moment of seeing him for the first time, however he’s going to be, I know I will be fine and I will be able to handle the rest of the recovery. (Plus, there is Diet Coke on tap in the cafeteria…I just have to figure out a way to smuggle it into the ICU where food and drink are forbidden…I’m thinking there has got to be a way to hook myself up to Bogey’s feeding pump and just let the DC flow through that :)

But for now, I am loving these moments of seeing my Bogey the way I’ve always seen him: perfect.



Noelle and Corey said...

He is a beautiful child, inside and out. Don't you worry, Sister!! Everything will work out perfectly, and soon you'll both be home snuggling with the rest of the family!! Love you!

Keck Family said...

Made me cry-he is such a cutie! and every time I've worked out this week (ok it was only 2X) I've been listening to my Ipod thinking I should tell Rachelle about this song, it's a good one to run to but now I can't remember which ones they were. but you should just have Steph send you a mix- that's what I do-she has the best workout songs!