Now, sit on down and get all comfy and stuff, because this is going to be a long gushy post.
Tonight as I sit here in silence, listening to Double Bogey breathing as he sleeps next to me (he’s sick…There. Terrible habit, justified), I am remembering where I was 1 year ago. I am certain I was wide awake and miserable. It’s not that I wasn’t exhausted, I was. Sleep just couldn’t win the battle over the anxiety I was feeling. I knew that in a matter of hours, I was going to be cut open, and then *poof* mother of five.
I pulled out my journal to make sure my memory has served me correctly. I did indeed document my fears and worries. However tonight as I was reading, I came across this bit that I entered just a few days before going into the C-Section.
I went to the doctor today. Not much has changed. The cleft lip and palate were again brought up in our last ultrasound on Baby A and ‘unknown’ on Baby B. Just hearing the words made me cringe and immediately overcome with worry and frustration.
I got home and went into my bedroom and poured my heart out to Heavenly Father. I told Him I know without a doubt He is aware of us and where we are in life and how much I can handle as a mother. I just begged to feel comforted and heard. I asked again for a miraculous healing if it’s His will, and I asked for the strength I’ll need to care of these little ones especially if they have special needs.
Well, just after that, I got on the computer and checked the e-mail (the account that I RARELY check) and started deleting the messages as usual (junk mail!) I accidently opened a message from lds.org that I going to delete. It said—“The prayers of the righteous shall be heard.” 2nd Nephi 26:15
I know without a doubt that message is an answer to my prayer. I know that as I was kneeling, Heavenly Father was listening and that He will provide for us.
And I thought a cleft lip and a cleft palate were the worst things in the world. I had no idea at that time, how much strength I was actually going to need.
Here is what I wrote after they were born:
The boys are here! Bogey J. was first—6 lbs. 12 oz. and shortly following was Double Bogey M.—6 lbs. 5oz. Two beautiful baby boys. What a special day! These guys share a birthday with their cousin Jourdon and their Great Aunt Barbara. Such great examples to look up to!
I asked why they needed to do an ECHO—what that even meant—I was suddenly so nauseated and shaky. He asked if I needed help to get back, I told him I didn’t. I really just didn’t want anyone to see me crying.
Ace had gone home (about an hour away) to shower and eat real food. So I sat in my bed, clinging to Double Bogey as the cardiologist and pediatrician tried to explain to me what was going on with Bogey.
The only words that stuck out in the conversation were: Heart Defect, Dr. Hanley, Stanford, Unifocalization, sooner than later; and the ever so comforting “if he doesn’t get this surgery, he won’t make it”.
Needless to say, after I called Ace, he rushed back as quickly as possible, and the doctors rehearsed the same speech (Yep. I got to hear it twice.)
In my journal that day, I wrote:
…There are so many reasons as to why I hate this. I hate that my baby will have to be in pain—that he’ll have to suffer so much throughout his life. However, I know I have to get through this. I know I can, I just can’t do it without my Heavenly Father and my family.
For instance, missing out on so much of Double Bogey’s development. He changed so much while we were in the hospitals with Bogey. I hated leaving him.
Did I hate leaving my older kids too?
Did I hate suddenly leaving our friends and ward members and life as we knew it, in Blanchard Idaho?
Do I hate that suddenly, out of no where, I became a head case?
Do I despise the fact that I still wake up in the night in with a knot in my stomach and tears in my eyes because the image of Bogey at Primary Children’s Hospital trapped in a C-PAP mask still haunts me?
Would I trade all of this for a perfectly normal baby?
Not if it meant that I wouldn’t have a deeper love for my husband and children.
Not if it meant that I wouldn’t have a greater understanding of the Atonement.
I wouldn’t trade everything I’ve hated about this past year, if it meant that I wouldn’t have a deeper appreciation and love for friends and family who reached out to us, helped us, and supported us.
There are not words enough to express how much this past year has changed my life. Of course it was hard. Obviously it was not what we had expected or planned for, but the things we gained and the lessons we’ve learned and continue to learn, couldn’t have been instilled in our hearts, any other way—and that is why I’ve loved everything about this past year.
When Ace and I kept having the feeling that “someone was missing” and we decided to try to even out the boys and girls in our family (TRY being the key word there) we had no idea what we were truly missing. We feel so blessed to have these sweet boys in our family! We can’t imagine life without them!
Happy 1st Birthday Bogey & Double Bogey!